Traditions and Customs

• Rituals and Customs

  Rituals and Customs

  The rituals and customs which reflect Jewish teachings about death and mourning can be grouped into two categories. Each category is, itself, a basic value guiding us through a most difficult time in our lives. Observances associated with the care of the body, its proper preparation for burial, and the conduct of funeral and interment services all reflect the concern for kavod ha-met, “the dignity of the deceased.” One aspect of this concern for dignity is rooted in the Jewish teaching which asserts that the body, like the soul is part of a divine creation – a human life which is a reflection of divinity. It requires that the physical remains of the deceased be treated with respect and gentleness. Therefore, nothing which distorts destroys or shows disdain for the body is condoned. The other aspect which our tradition upholds is the personal dignity of the deceased. This is reflected in the way in which funeral and burial rites are conducted. They emphasize the significance of the life which has ended by acknowledging the sense of loss and the grief of the mourners. Words of eulogy which are spoken at the funeral address the significance of the life that has ended in ways that demonstrate consideration and compassion. Even the act of burial is considered a kindness which is accorded to the deceased out of respect and regard. Therefore, burial is not left entirely to strangers.

  All observances which guide individuals through the period of mourning and define the responsibility of family and community to those in mourning reflect the value of kaviod ha-chayim, “regard for the living.” Many of private and public expressions of mourning associated with shiva are customs which respond to the emotional and spiritual needs of persons dealing with grief. Judaism recognizes the natural tendency of mourners to withdraw from the demands of work and community affairs. Mourners are understood to be distracted from the tasks of daily living – everything from mode of dress to the preparation of food. Tradition recognizes that a person recently bereaved may find it uncomfortable to be present at joyous celebrations. At the same time, Jewish tradition encourages family and friends not to abandon the mourner to his or her grief but to provide support and consolation. A study of Jewish mourning customs will show that they reflect many of the most contemporary insights into the grieving process.

  In addition to these values which help shape the observances of the Jewish community, there are other important ideas and teachings which influence ritual and custom. Judaism views death as an integral part of life. There is no denial of death. Rather, Jewish observances acknowledge both the pain of loss and the mystery of death directly. On the other hand, Judaism has taught from of old that there is an aspect of the human spirit which is imperishable. The soul, divine in its origin, does not die. The mystery of its existence is described in many ways both natural (through memory and deeds) and supernatural (life after death). Some customs associated with mourning and remembrance emphasize the continuing influence and sense of presence which the deceased have in the lives of those who continue to love them.

  Judaism provides a rich and responsive body of lore and ritual to guide individuals through the difficult period following a death. Recognizing that there is emotional and spiritual content to Jewish practice enables persons to draw the greatest degree of comfort and strength from our tradition.

• A List to Help the Bereaved

  A List to Help the Bereaved

  This is a brief summary of the key steps to take when a loved one dies. Please refer to the booklet or contact the clergy for additional information.

  • Contact authorities (if death occurs at home)
  • Obtain death certificate and have body transferred to funeral provider
  • Make key funeral (or memorial) service and burial decisions ◦Temple Beth Ami has arranged a special contract for its members with a local provider. Please call the executive director for details
    • Design funeral service with clergy
    • Select funeral service sight
    • Select casket
    • Select pallbearers
    • Burial property purchase and maintenance
    • Children’s attendance
  • Private viewing of the deceased (if desired)
  • Sh’mira (sitting with the body until burial), if desired
  • Tahara (ritual washing of the body), if desired
  • Kriah (rending garment or ribbon)
  • Funeral service (memorial service when there is no possibility of burial)
    • Eulogy
    • Eyl Maleh Rachamim prayer
    • Other readings (as desired)
  • Internment service
    • Kaddish
    • Burial of casket
  • Seudat havra-ah (meal following the service)
    • Wash hands
    • Round food
  • Mourning ◦Shiva (immediate family)
    • Sheloshim (30 days)
    • Aveilut (for parents only)
  • Provide for grave marker
  • Unveiling ceremony – after Sheloshim and Aveilut
  • Remembrance
    • Yahrzeit
    • Yizkor
• Making a Shiva Call

  Comforting the Bereaved: Thoughts on Making a Shiva Call

  The obligation to comfort mourners is deeply rooted in Judaism, its origins can be traced to the Torah which depicts God as comforting Isaac upon the death of his father, Abraham. Human beings are understood to be imitating that divine act of consolation when making a shiva call. This teaching helps to underscore the significance, the sanctity and the sensitivity which is part of visiting a mourner.

  Mourners may be visited at any time during shiva. Common courtesy and local custom suggest that it is best to be certain of when the bereaved are ready to receive visitors. One purpose of the shiva call is to provide a comforting presence and emotional support. This is often best achieved through quiet conversation or simply sitting silently with the mourner. Shiva is not a time to explain away and rationalize the painful or sorrowful circumstances of a death. Rather, it is the time when a mourner may express the full range of his or her feelings to persons who are present to listen and to acknowledge grief and discomfort.

  Many people find it difficult to visit a house of mourning. It is hard to enter a home transformed from a place of joy and companionship into a place of concentrated grief. We may be reminded of our painful losses or confronted with situations which are new and uncomfortable. Some people are dissuaded from visiting because they feel that visitors are responsible for lightening the burden of sorrow. Just the opposite, by their presence and quiet comfort, visitors reassure the mourner that the burden of grief is real, but can be borne because the mourner is not alone and has not been abandoned. Once a person understands that he or she is not personally responsible for “cheering up” the mourner, it is easier to provide the support and solace which makes a shiva call so important.

  Some have observed that shiva is too often a social event, full of laughter and all sorts of conversation other than that which focuses on the deceased and on the grief of the family. Shiva is a social gathering, albeit of a very special kind. It is the community of family and friends gathering to lend the support which only they can. When important stories and fond recollections of the deceased are exchanged they may bring smiles and laughter, as well as tears. Such laughter is appropriate and important. Conversations about other matters should be limited, and conducted in a subdued tone away from the mourners.

  The shiva is meant to relieve the mourner of the intense feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Any visitor, no matter how uncertain of themselves, can help in this way. This is an important mitzvah, which can be easily fulfilled and whose immense and immediate benefit is felt by both the bereaved and the visitor.

• Mourning Period

  Jewish tradition identifies stages of mourning, beginning with a seven-day intense period (shiva) observed in the home(s) of the immediate family, followed by a period of reduced mourning (sheloshim) as one adjusts and returns to worldly routines. Mourning the death of a parent involves an extended period (avelut). Special anniversaries marking the death are discussed in the next section.

  Shiva: The Initial Seven-day Mourning Period

  Shivais a public expression of grief observed by the immediate family of the deceased (parents, children, spouse and siblings). The seven-day mourning period begins immediately after the funeral and burial (not the death). Any part of the day of the internment which occurs prior to sunset, no matter how brief, is counted as the first day of shiva. Shiva may be observed at more than one mourner’s home, or at a single site with mourners returning to their homes to sleep.

  Because mourners are excused from public worship in the synagogue during shiva, prayer services (including the recitation of Kaddish) may be conducted in the home. Friends and family are encouraged to visit and comfort mourners during the shiva period. Tradition suggests that visitors wait to be acknowledged by the mourner before speaking. It is often better to be a listener and to provide comfort merely by your presence.

  The word shiva is a variation of the Hebrew word for “seven”. Shiva traditionally encompasses a seven-day period. The first three days are considered more intense than the last four days. Thus, if the observance of the full shiva may cause financial or physical hardship, the mourner is permitted to go out after the third day, do what is necessary, and then resume shiva. A special seven-day candle is kept lit during the shiva period.

  If shiva is observed locally, Temple Beth Ami’s Hineni Committee will send a meal to the family; if shiva is being observed out of town, Hineni will send a fruit basket. If there are no services, or the Templeis informed after shiva has ended, a tree will be planted in the name of the departed.

  If one is invited to a simcha during the shiva period, one might choose to attend the event itself, but not the celebration following. Jewish law stipulates that life must continue. However, different rules apply to different members of the family. Please speak with the clergy concerning specific situations.

  If a Yom Tov (major Jewish Holiday) occurs during the shiva period, it cancels out the remainder of the shiva. A subsequent Yom Tov that occurs during sheloshim (thirty-day period of reduced morning following shiva, see below) will cancel the obligation of that period as well.

  Shiva Services

  If possible, a member of our clergy will be present each night of shiva, at the request of the family. Some family members may be capable of conducting the service themselves, and are encouraged to do so. Fellow congregants, who have been trained, may also conduct the service.

  Our congregation’s tradition is to conduct a Maariv, or evening service. We conduct a service and recite Kaddish regardless of the number of people present. Temple Beth Ami provides the service booklet, Gates of Prayer for Weekdays. These booklets can be supplemented by the funeral director. The family should ask specifically for the prayer books of the Reform Movement.

  Home Traditions Associated with Shiva

  Covering the mirrors, a custom occasionally associated with the shiva period, is rooted in ancient folklore. Some felt that by looking in the mirror, one might see the angel of death. Moreover, since mourners may neglect their physical appearance, mirrors may be covered so as not to draw attention to the mourners.

  Sitting on low seatsdates back to the biblical times. It is an indication of the lowered position of the mourner, and their reduction of esteem because of their loss.

  Wearing dark colorsis customary, although black is not obligatory in Jewish tradition. Since leather was considered an item of luxury, wearing slippers or sneakers instead of leather footwear symbolizes the relinquishing of luxury items during mourning.

  Mourners should prepare food only for their immediate family. They should not have the added burden of sustaining visitors.

  Sheloshim: The First Thirty Days of Mourning

  Sheloshimis the thirty-day period of reduced mourning when one returns to work and daily life. The name of the departed is read in the Templeat Shabbat services each week during this period.

  As with the shiva period, the occurrence of a major Jewish festival cancels out the remainder of sheloshim. Traditionally, a mourner recites kaddish every day during sheloshim (the mourning is extended for the death of a parent, see avelut below). It is customary to recite kaddish in the synagogue amid the comfort of other Jews, although in the Reform movement, it is permissible to say it alone at home. Temple Beth Ami does not offer daily services, so mourners may wish to attend daily minyans at other synagogues in the area (see listing of area minyanim).

  Judaism encourages visitation of graves at appropriate times including the conclusion of shiva or sheloshim and on the yahrzeit. Some people visit on fast days and many make a special visit to the cemetery before the High Holidays. At such times, Psalms and memorial prayers may be recited. It is customary in some places to put stones or blades of grass on the grave stone or marker. Stones recall the ancient practice of upkeep and protection of a grave. Grass, which returns season after season, is thought to be a symbol of eternal life.

  Individuals and families find their own appropriate patterns of visitation. Judaism teaches that it is best to find a balance between constant visitation and total neglect.

  Avelut: Extended Mourning for a Parent

  Avelut refers to the 11-month mourning period observed for the death of a parent (rather than the thirty-day sheloshim period for children, spouses or siblings). Aveilut begins immediately after the burial and extends through the period of shiva and sheloshim. Some of the customs and practices associated with aveilut may continue for a full year. Kaddish may be recited daily for the first eleven months of the year of mourning.

• Yarzheit, Yizkor, Unveilings

  Unveiling Ceremony at the Gravesite

  Unveiling marks a transition in the process of mourning. It may take place any time after the 30-day sheloshim period. In the case of a parent, a mourner may choose to wait until after the 11-month period of avelut. There are no formal requirements in our tradition relating to the liturgy of an unveiling ceremony. Many families find it comforting to meet at the gravesite to unveil the monument, with appropriate prayers or psalms recited by family members or other attendees. Eyl Maleh Rachamim and Kaddish are usually recited. Although an unveiling ceremony does not require the presence of clergy, our Rabbis and Cantor are available to assist or lead the service.

  Please email Amy Steinborn for Unveiling materials

  Yahrzeit

  Yahrzeitis observed annually on the anniversary of the death. Traditionally, the Hebrew calendar is followed; at Temple Beth Ami many families use the English calendar date unless otherwise requested. Yahrzeit is observed by attending services in order to recite Kaddish and lighting a 24-hour Yahrzeit candle at home. It is also a suitable date for performing acts of kindness and/or charity. At Temple Beth Ami, the name of the deceased is read at Erev Shabbat and Shabbat services immediately following the date of the Yahrzeit, although the specific timing may be changed upon request of the family. To provide Yahrzeit information or reschedule a Yahrzeit date, please provide information here. 

  Prayer for lighting a Yahrzeit (Memorial) Candle

  Before lighting a yahrzeit candle, take a moment to bring to mind the relative you are remembering. You might choose to read the following prayer:

  O God, grant us the strength as we mourn the loss of ________. 
  We will always have cherished memories of him/her. 
  Bless our family with light and peace. May ______’s memory continue to serve as a blessing and an inspiration to all who knew and loved him/her.

  
  Zichrono/zichronah livrachah 
  His/her memory is a blessing.

  Mourner’s Kaddish may be recited at this time.

  Alternate prayer and reading for Yahrzeit may be downloaded here

  Yizkor service

  Yizkor (literally “may He remember”) is a prayer for the dead which is recited in the Temple four times each year – Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah, the last day of Pesach and Shavuot. At Temple Beth Ami, Yizkor is recited during services on both the eve and morning of the last day of Pesach and of Shavuot.

  The name of the deceased may be placed on the Temple Beth Ami Yahrtzeit list at any time and on a plaque displayed during the week of the Yahrzeit. Names may be placed in the Yom Kippur Memorial Book by submitting the form included with the High Holy day mailings. This book is distributed on Yom Kippur and used on other Holy days that include Yizkor. This book is distributed on Yom Kippur and used on other Holy days that include Yizkor.

• Life After Death

  Life After Death

  From of old, Judaism has affirmed the immortality of the soul. That aspect of our humanity, created “in the image of the divine,” is, like God, eternal. References to this belief can be found in all the sacred sources of Judaism.

  While affirming the immortality of the soul, Judaism does not provide a single, dogmatic concept of a “life after death.” A variety of concepts or metaphors exist within our tradition which seek to explore some aspect of this mystery. These concepts range from a notion that the dead are “gathered to their kin” in eternal reunion with loved ones; an equation of “the world to come” with the Garden of Eden; to metaphysical images of union between the soul and the sacred source to which it returns. Already by the first century of the Common Era, Rabbinic Judaism taught the concept of techiat ha-maytim (resurrection of the dead) which later became a central teaching of Christianity.

  Later, the mystics of Jewish tradition taught the concept of gilgul or serial incarnation leading to spiritual perfection.

  In modern times, there has been a tendency to stress more naturalistic notions of immortality through memory or through the lasting impact of deeds. From this developed a perception that Judaism and Jews “do not believe in life after death.” While that may be true for some individuals and some communities, it is not true for Judaism in general. Instead, Judaism offers every person the opportunity to embrace a concept of immortality, or afterlife, which is in keeping with our Jewish tradition and satisfies both the emotional and spiritual needs of the individual.

   

   
• Euthanasia & Living Wills

  Euthanasia & Living Wills

  The preservation and protection of life (Pikuach Nefesh) is a primary Jewish value. Any act which directly terminates life is considered morally questionable. At the same time, Judaism recognizes that there comes a point at which death should be allowed to occur without measures which only prolong the process of dying.

  In a 1985 document, “the quality of Life and Euthanasia,” the following was established as the perspective of Reform Judaism: “…we should do our best to enhance the quality of life and to use whatever means modern science has placed at our disposal for this purpose. We need not invoke ‘heroic’ measures to prolong life, nor should we hesitate to alleviate pain, but we cannot also utilize a ‘low quality’ of life as an excuse for hastening death. We cannot generalize about the ‘quality of life’ but must treat each case which we face individually. All life is wonderful and mysterious. The human situation, the family setting, and other factors must be carefully analyzed before a sympathetic decision can be reached.”

  We are instructed by tradition that it is praiseworthy to remove from a goses (a comatose person on the verge of death) any impediment which prevents the soul from departing the body. This indicates that our tradition recognizes that the process of dying must have its dignity, just as does the process of living. Therefore, instruments such as “living wills” or “medical power of attorney” which outline the wishes of individual regarding the end of their lives can be very important. Such documents should be prepared in consultation with family, legal counsel and rabbinic guidance.

• References

  Helping Children Cope With Death

  Death of a Pet, Animal or Tree:

  • Abbot, Sarah, The Old Dog, New York: Coward, McCann & Geoghegan, 1972.
  • Cohen, Miriam, Jim’s Dog Muffins. New York: Greenwillow Books, 1984.
  • Edwards, Lynne and Brian, Dead as the Dodo. New York: Parents’ Magazine Press, 1973.
  • Liberman, Judith. The Bird’s Last Song. Reading, Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley, 1976.
  • Viorst, Judith. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. New York: Atheneum, 1973.

  Death of a Grandparent or Older Person

  • Fassler, Joan. My Grandpa Died Today. New York: Human Sciences Press, 1971.
  • Grollman, Earl. Talking About Death. Boston: Beacon Press, 1970.
  • Hazen, Barbara S. Why Did Grandpa Die? New York: Western Publishing Company, Inc., 1985.
  • Pomerantz, Barbara. Bubby, Me and Memories. New York: Unionof American Hebrew Congregations, 1983.

  Death of a Sibling

  • Coburn, John. Anne and the Sand Dobbies. New York: Seabury, 1964. 
  • Losing Someone You Love: When a Brother or Sister Dies. New York: G.P.Putnam’s, 1986.
  • Walsh, Jill. Unleaving. New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1976.

  Death of a Child or Adolescent

  • Bach, Alice. Waiting for Johnny Miracle. New York: Bantam, 1982. 
  • Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth. Remember the Secret. Celestial Arts, 1982.

  Biological and Sociological Facts About Death

  • Bernstein, Joanne and Gullo, Stephen. When People Die. New York: E.P. Dutton, 1977. 
  • Klein, Stanley. The Final Mystery. Garden City, New York: Doubleday, 1974.
  • Pringle, Laurence. Death is Natural. New York: Four Winds Press, 1977.
  • Zim, Herbert and Bleeker, Sonia. Life and Death. New York: William Morrow, 1970.

  Jewish Practices and Rituals – Resources for Adults

  • Goodman, Rabbi Arnold M., A Plain Pine Box. A Return to Simple Jewish Funerals and Eternal Traditions. New York: K’Tav, 1981. 
  • Greenberg, Rabbi Sydney, ed. A Treasury of Comfort. California: Wilshire Book Company, 1970.
  • Grollman, Earl A., ed. Concerning Death: A Practical Guide for the Living. Boston: Beacon Press, 1974.
  • Lamm, Rabbi Maurice. The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning. New York: Jonathan David, 1969.
  • Pincus, Lily. Death and the Family. The Importance of Mourning. New York: Pantheon Books, 1974.
  • Riemer, Jack, ed. Jewish Reflections on Death. New York: Schocken Books, 1974.
  • Rozwaski, Chaim Z. Jewish Meditations on the Meaning of Death. New Jersey: Jason Aaronson, Inc. 1994.
  • Silverman, William B. and Cinnamon, Kenneth M. When Mourning Comes. A Book of Comfort and Grieving. New Jersey: Jason Aaronson, Inc., 1990.
• Minyanim (Places to say Kaddish)

  Days and times for minyans at local area synagogues where Kaddish may be said

  • Temple Beth Ami 
    • Sunday, 9:45 a.m.
  • B’nai Israel Congregation (Conservative):
    • Mon- Fri, 7:15 a.m.;
    • Sun – Thurs, 8:00 p.m.,
    • Sat, Sun, 9:00 a.m.;
    • Fri, 7:00 p.m.
  • Congregation Beth El of Montgomery County (Conservative):
    • Mon – Fri, 7:30 a.m.,
    • Mon – Thurs, 8:00 p.m.
    • Sat, 7:30 and 9:15 a.m.,
    • Sun 9:00 a.m.,
    • Fri, 6:30 p.m.
  • Har Shalom (Conservative)
    • Sun – Thurs, 7:45 p.m.,
    • Fri, 6:30 p.m.
    • Mon and Thurs, 6:45 a.m.
    • Sat, 9:30 a.m.,
    • Sun 9:00 a.m.
  • Hebrew Home of Greater Washington
    • Sun – Fri, 9:30 a.m. and 4:00 p.m.
    • Sat, 8:45 a.m.

  Other minyanim in the Washington area are listed in the Washington Jewish Week.

• Glossary

  Terms surrounding death and remembrance

  Ahlav/Aleha HaShalom: May he/she rest in peace
  Ayl Maleh Rachamim: Prayer requesting God’s compassion for the deceased; recited at the conclusion of funeral service, unveiling, Yizkor 
  Aninut: Period of time between death and burial 
  Avelut: Extended 11-month mourning period for the death of a parent 
  Chevra Kadisha: Literally “holy society”, a group that takes the responsibility for preparing the deceased for burial 
  Hineni: Temple committee responsible for comforting congregants 
  Kaddish: Prayer extolling God (e.g., Mourner’s Kaddish) 
  Kriah: Tearing of garments as a sign of mourning (generally replaced by displaying a black ribbon) 
  Maariv: Evening religious service 
  Minyan: Quorum of ten needed for a service 
  Onain: close relative of deceased 
  Seudat Havra-ah: First meal for mourners returning from the cemetery 
  Sheloshim: The first 30 days of the mourning period
  Shiva: Initial 7-day mourning period, visits from family/friends 
  Shomer (pl. Shomrim): Individuals who stay with body prior to the funeral; also refers to practice itself 
  Simcha: Joyous occasion (e.g., birth, wedding, bar/bat mitzvah) 
  Tachrichim: white linen cloth (shroud) placed over the body 
  Tahara: ritual purification of the body in preparation for burial 
  Tehillim: Psalms (e.g., recited during Shomrim or in funeral) 
  Tzedakah: charity 
  Yahrzeit: Observance of the annual anniversary of a death 
  Yizkor: Literally “May He remember”, Prayer for dead recited in Temple on four occasions each year 
  Zichrono/Zichrona LeVeracha: “May his/her memory be for a blessing”