Funeral and Burial Practices
The funeral should be held as soon as it is reasonably possible to assemble the family, generally within two days. Jewish funeral services are simple, comprised of a few essential prayers, selected readings, and eulogy. They are intended to honor the deceased and to comfort the bereaved.
Scheduling of the Funeral
A funeral is held within 48 hours of the death, unless there are extenuating circumstances such as family members traveling from great distances or the advent of a major Jewish Holiday (Shabbat, Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashannah, Shavuot, Passover, Sukkot, or Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah).
If Death or Funeral Occurs Out of Town
The funeral provider should be chosen based on the site of the funeral rather than where the death occurred. Contact a local funeral provider at the location where the funeral is to take place and to assist with the necessary shipping arrangements. For interstate shipping, the body must be packed in cool packs, enclosed in a sealed metal case (Zigler case) or embalmed (see below for more on embalming).
Responsibilities of the Funeral Provider
Once the death certificate is signed, the funeral provider will take possession of the body, remove it to the funeral home and place it under refrigeration. The provider will then explain to the family the options available to them, such as tahara and shomrim (see below), casket selection, and burial property if the family does not have cemetery plots. The provider will facilitate the rental of either a hearse, or, at a lesser expense, a black van, and limousines. They also furnish materials for shiva: books, shiva candle, stools, kipot, and acknowledgment cards. The provider must offer the family a full list of services and prices of these services upon request.
Casket Selection
Jewish tradition strongly suggests a simple plain pine casket to reaffirm that we are all equal in death. A kosher casket is made only of wood, using wooden dowels rather than nails, and vegetable (not animal) glue.
There are no federal or state laws concerning liners (a concrete shell supporting the walls of a grave) or embalming. Most cemeteries require liners to assist them in grounds’ management, and to prevent graves from collapsing. Some funeral providers will offer liners for sale at a lower cost than cemeteries. Some providers may encourage the use of a vault, which is similar to a liner, but sealed and more expensive.
Preparation of the Deceased
Tahara, is the ritual washing of the body in preparation for burial. It is a burial custom that may be performed for any Jewish person. The washing is done by a Chevra Kadisha (literally, “holy fellowship”). Some synagogues have their own. In this area, there is a community Chevra Kadisha, which is a group of professional “volunteers” who will perform the ritual for a donation of $100.00 (used for tzedakah by the committee). Tahara must take place as close as possible to the funeral service. Jewish tradition discourages public viewing of the deceased, although private arrangements can be made between the family and the funeral provider. Viewing of the body (public or private) is discouraged after tahara.
Dressing of the deceased is a matter to be discussed between the family and the clergy. If tahara is observed, the body is generally dressed in a shroud, made of either muslin or linen. According to Orthodox or Conservative practice, linen shrouds are reserved for Cohanim (Priests) or Levites.
The family may arrange for shomrim, persons who will sit with the body until the funeral service. The custom is based on the desire not to leave a loved one unattended. Sh’mira may be performed by members of the Chevra Kadisha who read psalms or study sacred texts during their shifts, or by friends of the family who may read or have appropriate discussions. Occasionally, a family member might choose to be among the shomrim.
Kriah: Rending of the Garment
The practice of kriah dates back to the bible, when Jacob rent his garment upon learning of the supposed death of Joseph. Thus, one made a rend or tear in a garment immediately upon hearing of the death of a loved one as a way of indicating we are incomplete. Many Jews attach a black ribbon to their garment immediately before the funeral service. It is torn instead of actually tearing a garment. Kriah is usually observed by the immediate shiva relatives (parents, children, spouses and siblings). The kriah ribbon or torn garment is displayed throughout the entire period of shiva. When mourning the death of a parent, the kriah period may be extended to 30 days.
Funeral Service
Traditionally, this is a simple service to honor the deceased and give comfort to the bereaved family. The central element is the eulogy; it may be delivered by clergy and/or family members or other lay people. The service may include some psalms, and concludes with Eyl Maleh Rachamim, a prayer asking God to have compassion upon the soul of the deceased.
The service may be held at the funeral home, if it has a chapel, or in the Temple Beth Ami sanctuary. This decision should be discussed with the Rabbis or Cantor, so that necessary arrangements can be made with the Templestaff. Some funeral providers have a small on site chapel or contractual arrangements with area synagogues. Alternatively, the service may be held at the gravesite.
There is no fee for clergy participation in the funeral of a Templemember or a member of the family. Customarily, the participation of clergy staff is acknowledged through the performance of tzedakah, which may involve donation to the Rabbis’ and Cantor’s Discretionary Funds or other appropriate Temple funds.
Memorial Service
A funeral service can be held only if the body is present. Otherwise, a memorial service can be conducted at the request of the family. Memorial Services may be held following a cremation (see below) or in the case where some family members could not attend a funeral held far way. The service offers an opportunity for the family to be comforted by friends, and to observe some funeral and mourning customs.
Special Cases: Autopsy, Embalming, Cremation
Jewish tradition discourages autopsies, unless it provides some medical benefit to the surviving family or the immediate community (e.g., diagnosis of a genetic or infectious condition), or is required by law. If an autopsy is needed, the funeral provider will coordinate with the doctors or medical examiner. In legal cases, the authority of the medical examiner supersedes all other authorities.
Embalming is not required by state law, nor permitted by Jewish law. Embalming slows down the natural process of returning to the earth.
Judaism deems embalming unnecessary and unacceptable. The extensive invasion of the body required by the procedure violates the Jewish practice of treating the body of the deceased with utmost respect. Attempts to preserve the body frustrated the process of decay which is considered natural and appropriate. Any cosmetic treatment of the body is considered an undesirable emphasis on the physical remains at the expense of the spiritual legacy.
No states have laws that mandate embalming. There may arise circumstances which may justify embalming because of unusual community or family priorities. In those instances, rabbinic counsel should be sought.
Jewish tradition does not condone cremation, the willful destruction of the human body. The Temple’s clergy will not officiate at a crematorium nor take part in a service at any other location preceding a cremation; the clergy will officiate at a memorial service after the cremation has occurred. (Some clergy will officiate with the body present at a service prior to cremation, but most will not officiate with the ashes present.) The staff will do its best to meet the needs of the family.
Involvement of Children
Decisions regarding a child’s attendance at a funeral and/or burial are best made in discussions that include the child. Explanations and descriptions of the funeral service, the cemetery, and the burial which respond to a child’s questions can help determine whether the child is emotionally ready to attend. Children who have enjoyed a meaningful relationship with the deceased often have a need “to say goodbye” equal to that of adults. They may feel excluded and frustrated if summarily left behind. Attendance at a funeral, and the subsequent family discussion, can help children develop understandings which will help them confront loss and grief at later stages in their lives. Children who do not attend a funeral can participate in other observances, such as shiva, in ways that are appropriate and inclusive. Since each child is unique and each family has different concerns, this important matter is best discussed with clergy at the appropriate time.
Pallbearers
The family of the deceased chooses the pallbearers, usually members of the family or close friends. Any person, male or female, can be a pallbearer, including children (within safety guidelines); it is considered an honor to escort the deceased to his or her final resting place. At least six pallbearers are suggested to carry (or accompany) the casket from the chapel to the hearse, and later from the hearse to the gravesite. The pallbearers may remain seated with their families during the funeral service and are summoned to escort the casket at the close of the service.
The Gravesite
If a cemetery plot has been purchased before death, contact the cemetery when the death occurs. If one has not been purchased beforehand, the funeral director will assist you with the purchase. Selection of the gravesite should be discussed with other family members. The policies of each cemetery may vary with respect to perpetual care; decisions regarding perpetual care are generally made at the time of the purchase.
Some cemeteries permit only ground-level markers at the gravesite instead of tombstones. These markers, however, are not accepted by all Jewish authorities and some Orthodox Rabbis will not officiate at cemeteries where markers are used.
Gravesite rituals include the recitation of kaddish and participation in the act of burial. The burying of the dead is the final mitzvah that one can perform on behalf of the deceased. It is a loving obligation of the family to ensure that the burial takes place properly. Family and friends are encouraged to participate in the mitzvah of covering the casket; Judaism teaches that the burial should not be left totally in the hands of strangers.
It is customary not to return to the gravesite until after the shiva or sheloshim period (see below). At Temple Beth Ami we encourage the bereaved to balance their remembrance of the deceased with the need to return to their normal daily lives. Subsequent visits to the gravesite may be acknowledged by placing pebbles or small stones on the top of the gravestone or marker. Some sources suggest that to do so honors the deceased (see additional readings).
Returning from the Cemetery to the House of Mourning
Washing one’s hands symbolizes leaving the cemetery behind and returning to life. A bowl of water and a towel are placed outside the mourner’s home for this purpose and all are encouraged to take part in this important custom. Usually family and friends provide the initial sustenance for the mourners; this meal is called the sheudat havra-ah. In some communities, this symbolic meal is eaten shortly after returning from the cemetery. Although customs may vary, traditional food for the first meal includes hard-boiled eggs and bagels, whose roundness suggests the continuance and eternity of life.
